Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
