if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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