Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
