Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
