Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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