I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
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