In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
