I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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