Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
