I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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