There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
