It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
