I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
