make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
