I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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