Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
