I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
