chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
People in love make me want to vomit
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Drunk is not a location!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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