I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am mentally ready for anal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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