Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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