I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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