I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
