happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
