I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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