my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
