You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
