then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
