Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
