booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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