My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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