i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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