And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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