I think I just saw someone hide a body.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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