i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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