You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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