In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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