drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
