I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
