Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
