he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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