Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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