airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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