ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
