I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
