you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
