great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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