she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
