Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
