I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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