Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I touched a dick in church today
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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