yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Quick, to the slutcave!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
