Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
