saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize