the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I looked at my own cervix.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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