if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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