good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize