mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
