I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
