I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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