I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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