I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
