KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
