the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
